Sometimes we need a kick in the face just to realize how awfull our life really is. Melinda obviously doesn't realize what she did to me. And I mean that in a positive and negative way. She has no idea how our break-up kickstarted the reconstruction of my life. Nobody really does. And the way she talks to me, the way she acts with other people (as far as I can see that on facebook posts, fotos and stuff), it's just as if nothing ever happened. The whole break-up seems to be nothing more than something unimportant in the past to her. I#d like to be there. She seems truly happy. Of course I never told her how much I suffer and brood myself, so it might be possible it's a mask, but I don't think so.
Melinda has no reason to feel bad or sad. She's starting a new life and that is easier without me. She made a conscious decision. It's easier to leave everything behind. Now when I'm rebuilding my life, I can see that. If I would've been in her position I wouldn't have chosen the easier path, but that's probably easier said than done. I'm glad the break-up woke me up. I'm glad the break-up opened a way for her to build a new life for herself. But I'm not glad it had to be that way.
"Why is he rambling about that whole topic again?" you might ask. Well, I'm still in the progress of digesting the end of what was not only the best relationship I ever had, but truly one of the happiest times of my life. Even though much of my life was in disarray, being with Melinda made me just happy. I'm looking forward to the day this blog is finished. When I will have brought my life in order. I can imagine that that will feel just as good. Maybe even better. Maybe I will have someone to share it with then, too. Sharing the spoils of this mammoth project with someone I love? It sure sounds great. But as I said, it is easier without anyone for now and even if I wouldn't have chosen it this way, that decision has been made for me. One thing is sure: Now that I'm here I won't change it.
No, I'm not saving myself up for the off-chance that Melinda comes back. I'm not hurt and broken about relationships in general and won't shy away because being close with someone could mean getting your heart broken. I'm doing this for me. There's no need to call this selfish, since I'm not gonna hurt anybody. There's no need to call me emotionally unavailable. I choose to be alone for now. It is easier. It lets me concentrate on the Naphtha project. This is just more important right now.
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