Flickery Vision

It has been a time of motivation again. With me totally not being over Melinda my lazyness and state of being scared stiff crept back in. It took several sleepless nights of thinking, self-discussion and self-motivation to get back on track again. Changing your life completely is kinda hard after all. Well, nothing worth living for just drops into your lap, so I have to get going.

I didn't do much concerning the apartment, except keeping the areas I already cleared half-way clean. But I managed to pay half of my debts back at least. If I should manage to really stop smoking, I should be able to pay back the rest soon. Laying off an addiction is of course not really easy. Though I did it before, it requires rigid self-discipline.

Choose Life

Sometimes we need a kick in the face just to realize how awfull our life really is. Melinda obviously doesn't realize what she did to me. And I mean that in a positive and negative way. She has no idea how our break-up kickstarted the reconstruction of my life. Nobody really does. And the way she talks to me, the way she acts with other people (as far as I can see that on facebook posts, fotos and stuff), it's just as if nothing ever happened. The whole break-up seems to be nothing more than something unimportant in the past to her. I#d like to be there. She seems truly happy. Of course I never told her how much I suffer and brood myself, so it might be possible it's a mask, but I don't think so.

Melinda has no reason to feel bad or sad. She's starting a new life and that is easier without me. She made a conscious decision. It's easier to leave everything behind. Now when I'm rebuilding my life, I can see that. If I would've been in her position I wouldn't have chosen the easier path, but that's probably easier said than done. I'm glad the break-up woke me up. I'm glad the break-up opened a way for her to build a new life for herself. But I'm not glad it had to be that way.

"Why is he rambling about that whole topic again?" you might ask. Well, I'm still in the progress of digesting the end of what was not only the best relationship I ever had, but truly one of the happiest times of my life. Even though much of my life was in disarray, being with Melinda made me just happy. I'm looking forward to the day this blog is finished. When I will have brought my life in order. I can imagine that that will feel just as good. Maybe even better. Maybe I will have someone to share it with then, too. Sharing the spoils of this mammoth project with someone I love? It sure sounds great. But as I said, it is easier without anyone for now and even if I wouldn't have chosen it this way, that decision has been made for me. One thing is sure: Now that I'm here I won't change it.

No, I'm not saving myself up for the off-chance that Melinda comes back. I'm not hurt and broken about relationships in general and won't shy away because being close with someone could mean getting your heart broken. I'm doing this for me. There's no need to call this selfish, since I'm not gonna hurt anybody. There's no need to call me emotionally unavailable. I choose to be alone for now. It is easier. It lets me concentrate on the Naphtha project. This is just more important right now.

Everybody's Going To The Moon

I want to start updating more regularly now. I think one update a day or every two days is quite reasonable, at least in the beginning. That should keep me on my path, too. But let's recap the past week: Well, it seems there wasn't much to that weird nightmare after all. At least nothing I noticed specifically. Still, a lot of things have happened. I've been working a lot on cleaning up the first room, in which I spend most of my free time. It's almost done and it feels great. I am proud of myself and I feel a lot more comfortable in it now. That's what I want for the other rooms, too, so let's get to it!

Last night I lay awoke for some time. After having a quick chat with Melinda I thought about the fact that I probably won't see her ever again. And even if I will, it's likely not to be in the next five or six years. I thought of how meeting her just as a friend after all that time would be like. Yeah, yeah, delusional fantasizing, I know. But this led me to something I have been ignoring for many years, if not all my life: Where do I see myself five years from now?

Sometimes, things like that are asked in job interviews and now I know why. Being the lazy slacker I was, I never really thought about it. I probably would've given a rather vague answer until now. You don't want to employ someone like that. But actually thinking about it, I imagined how I want my life to be five years from now. And boy, do I have a long road ahead of me.

But this gave me a sense of perspective. I thought a lot about it and started transforming those goals into paths that would lead me there. What started as a rather bad way of thinking turned into a new revelation for me, giving me strength and a determination I was starting to loose again. It gave me a new goal. A better goal.

I have a vision of my future life and I want it to become true. Not just “I don't want to be miserable anymore” – the way I started this blog – but “I want to achieve!”

Have you ever sat down and just thought about what exactly you want to achieve in the next five years? For a good two hours? I highly recommend it. It was my salvation.

All Nightmare Long

Just woke up sweating. I'm used to waking up rather harshly, sometimes sweating and/or screaming. That's usually just abruptly ending nightmares and only freaks out my girlfriends, but this was different. The dream I had wasn't a nightmare, just something with one of my hobbies, then Melinda showed up and I awoke.

Could it be that Melinda's sudden appearance and me knowing it was only a dream turned it into a shocking and nightmarish experience? Might be. But this was different than my other nightmares. It felt as if something had happened. Something important and possibly bad.

No way of knowing, I gotta get going. But a weird feeling in my guts remains.

What Do You Do For Money, Honey

Monetary problems were worse than they are now, but I'm not fully out, so let's talk about it. My old freelancing jobs kinda dryed up in the past months (more on that when I talk about work). Since I didn't have a job to bring in enough money until recently, I piled up a small amount of debts. Something I'm really ashamed off. I hate owing people money. Worse so when it's people I know.

So here's a list:

• Small amount to a company.
• A bigger amount to my driving school.
• A bigger amount to my dad.
• A bigger amount to my best friend.

Even though I'd like to do it the other way around I have to pay the commercial debts first and I started with it just today. As a matter of fact, the first two debts are paid and a thing of the past. Leaves my dad & best friend. I won't be able to pay out either this month and I told them both about it. Keeping in contact about it is the least I can do.

Over The Hills And Far Away

I talked to Melinda yesterday. The whole conversation started really well, I felt confident and thought I was totally stage five, it felt great. For those of you who don't know, the five stages of grief: Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I spent a lot of time in phase four, phase two & sometimes three coming back from time to time to haunt me. I thought I was in five now, though and that made me really happy.

Then she told me her next job assignment would be in the Far East. Alright, that didn't bother me at first. But the more I realised it and saw how she didn't have anything else to say about it, really. Before she broke up with me we had both hoped for her to get an assignment near me, so we could see each other more regularly. Though I was fully aware that would be different now, I secretly had hoped for it still to happen. Even though we would've been split up, I thought she might drop by (she was never in my country before and always wanted to go here at least once). A silly thought, but with that gone and the fact that she will stay there for at least a year, I guess I will never see her again.

Sure, the odds for that weren't great to begin with, but it kinda hit me again at that moment. Especially since she didn't care.

Seems I'll have to push my ego/self-esteem a bit further before I can really accept all of it. Meh.

Room Of Nowhere

On to the next point! Apartment! My apartment is a mess and looks like hell. Seriously. It's just another chaos that adds to my stress level and is in dire need of a restructuring. So here's the plan:

Clean up the place
Sort and organize stuff
Re-envision room design
Buy/sell/dump furniture
Paint
Re-design rooms

These steps will have to be done for six rooms all in all and since I'm playing with the thought of changing room structure & purpose (where is a working space, hobby space, living room, etc.) I will perform the steps one by one for all rooms at once. Of course I will still only clean up one room at a time, but first clean all rooms, then sort all rooms, then re-design.

Why re-design the whole thing and not just organize it? Easy. It doesn't have a real structure right now, one room is just a dumping area without any purpose and the arrangement of furniture confines me, narrowing free space down to a minimum. Free space always gives me a good feeling. A feeling of freedom and happiness. I have observed this effect when entering certain apartments of friends or relatives and I will follow their example.

Before it comes to redesigning, I will share a rough illustration of the blueprints. Maybe someone has some good ideas about it. Until then it's clean up time and I'm starting with it right now.