All Nightmare Long

Just woke up sweating. I'm used to waking up rather harshly, sometimes sweating and/or screaming. That's usually just abruptly ending nightmares and only freaks out my girlfriends, but this was different. The dream I had wasn't a nightmare, just something with one of my hobbies, then Melinda showed up and I awoke.

Could it be that Melinda's sudden appearance and me knowing it was only a dream turned it into a shocking and nightmarish experience? Might be. But this was different than my other nightmares. It felt as if something had happened. Something important and possibly bad.

No way of knowing, I gotta get going. But a weird feeling in my guts remains.

Working Man

Wow, a whole lot of posts yesterday. That's the way, isn't it? First structure your thoughts, make a plan and then get going.

I didn't do a whole lot of actual work yesterday though, because I had to further refine my thoughts first. But no more excuses! Work begins today!

Oh and btw.: I won't be advertising this blog largely. Even though I can use any support I can get, the stuff I write here is rather personal and even though I feel proud of trying to change all this, my mistakes and the downright bad things about me and my life are something I am ashamed of. Maybe this will change to a point where I can say "Yes, I made mistakes, but I don't care if you know about them because then you will also know what I overcame / have to overcome." Since I'm posting this publicly, I guess subconsciously I want everyone to know. I'm not sure. Might put up a link on the old DZA blog. Those few that visited it regularly were largely not my rl friends, so it's less embarrassing as a start.

However, if anyone should really find his way here, I am happy over supportive words, ideas, tips and tricks or whatever you want to drop in the comments, so I know I'm not going to be alone on my way through this.

Blitzkrieg

Here's a rough list of what areas of life need to be changed (in no particular order). I will analyze them further as I get along, so we will have a better understanding of what needs to be done.

• Health
• Apartment
• Work
• Social
• Psyche
• Money
• Studies

Fade To Black

Last night I had a moment of clarity. Thinking about a way to deal with the loss of my girlfriend, I saw how miserable my life is. Not only because she left me, which put me in a state of agony and apathy all by itself, but in general. Everything is in disarray around me and I am the only one to blame. I want to turn my life around. A goal I have set for myself several times in the past, but it never worked, I could never follow through.

Why do I think it will work this time? Because I pretty much hit bottom. Sure, I'm not starving or live on the streets, but that's mostly thanks to my parental monetary support. I have come to a point where I have only two choices: Kill myself or change something...everything. I can't stay in this hell that is my life, but my last shred of dignity keeps me from taking the easy way out. So this is the only possible way: Overhaul my life, rebuilding it in a way that it is worth living in.

Genesis

A story. A young man, Naphtha is his name. He has been quite miserable lately. His apartment is one big mess, in which he dwells only on one centralised spot, mountains of garbage all around him. This goes to a point where constantly sitting on the same spot in the same pose has made his back look like the face of a freshly pubertizing teenager. His teeth are tainted by smoking and in a bad shape because of his constant grinding. His lungs can handle the smoking even worse. He owes money to a few people and can barely uphold his "life" style. He doesn't have a drivers licence. He doesn't need it, because he just sits in front of his living central all day, the computer. His girlfriend has told him she needs a break (aka effectively left him), his parents and siblings told him his life is leading nowhere and with his studies several terms over the norm, this seems rather true. His life has degenerated into rotting on the spot, succumbed to eternal apathy.

But this must end.

I am Naphtha.

And I want a better life.

Join me on my quest.